by C. Delene Cole, CPE  

“Oh mom “ said my 25 year old daughter with eyes brimming with tears.” I know I’m crabby these days being pregnant and all, I’m just so scared I’m going to make a mistake, and I want so badly to be a good mother. “ After 25 years of being a mother to 5 plus children (none of them particularly easy, especially this daughter) you may think I find some sort of satisfaction in her saying those words. How many parents say “I can’t wait until you have children of your own.”

There is no satisfaction though…The truth is I made some mistakes as a mother (and as a wife), and my children were there to witness most of them. It seems like a miracle that we made it through the years and mistakes, and we all still love each other…perhaps the real miracle is that the love itself is what transformed the mistakes into something that brought us all closer together, and taught us all how to be a bit more like the people we really want to be in this world. I’m not always the kind of mother that I want to be. I am however, moving closer to becoming that mother as I learn from my mistakes, and do it differently the next time.  

Some of what I have learned is written here. Mother to mother, or parent to parent, we can share the lessons we’ve learned from our mistakes. My guess is that is what gives some value to the mistake and inspires us to continue to strive to be a better parent. It helps me lighten up on my own parents, my wonderful children, and myself. 

1. I have learned that it’s okay to be afraid that if I ask for help someone might think I was a bad parent, as long as I asked for help anyway.

2. I have learned to talk positively about my children to everyone, whether my children can hear me or not, and if I have negative feelings to share, claim them as my own instead of blaming them on my kids…. 

3. I have learned to recognize and acknowledge what my children do right, every single day, no matter what… 

4. I have learned that making good grades is never more important than how my child feels about themselves and about learning…. 

5. I have learned that my children’s misbehavior is not a statement about what kind of parent I am. It is a communication about a need they have that isn’t being met somewhere in their life. 

6. I have learned to tell children what to do, and what results they can expect, rather than what not to do with a warning of the disaster they will create…(I.e. “Studying will help you feel more confident when it comes time to take your test” instead of “If you don’t study you are going to flunk your test”) 

7. I have learned that it is important to ask my children for their input and feelings on decisions we adults have to make about their lives. 

8. I have learned that there are always other ways to handle my own fears and anger than yelling at, or hitting my kids…

9. I have learned to apologize when I am hurtful with words, attitude or actions, and to accept the apologies of others as well….

10. I have learned that it is important for me to remember what it felt like to be my child’s age…. 

11. I have learned that listening to my children means really hearing, seeking to understand, and then empathizing with what they are saying to me. 

12. I have learned that honesty is not brutal. And that it is important to be honest with others in the same way that I would want someone to be honest with me. Both with Truth and compassion.   

There are so many valuable things that I learned through my mistakes as a mother. These things have made me a better mother, woman, friend, teacher, and person. The final words are what I wish for my daughter, and for every other mother (parent) to know .  

The greatest miracle of all, is that the love is all ways, in all ways, bigger than the mistake.  

For ten years Delene Cole has been Certified Parent Educator and is a National Trainer for International Network for Children and Families, and is Director for the RCB of Tampa Bay team. She and her husband teach Redirecting Children‘s Behavior, Coupleship 101, and personal growth courses through their business Life Enhancement Skills in Madeira Beach Florida.