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The Language of Encouragement
By Bernadette Rozanski
Certified Parent Educator
Although there are times when praise can be encouraging, parents will be most effective
if they avoid praising children too often. "Encouragement" helps our children
believe in themselves. This is known as "internal gratification." "Praise"
such as good, great, better, best, and excellent condition children to look for
"external gratification." Praise keeps your child dependent on the authority
figure to feel good about themselves. On the other hand, encouragement allows your
child to focus on how she feels from the inside out. For example: phrases like,
"It looks like you enjoyed drawing that picture," rather than "You're a good boy"
gives the child responsibility for his happiness rather than looking for someone
or something to bring him happiness. Children realize that it is their challenge
to do things to make themselves happy. Adults who did not learn this lesson in childhood
often disturb relationships later because they expect others to make them happy.
Praise can be a disguise for expressing our personal values and opinions. Praise
focuses on the person where encouragement focuses on the effort!
Through encouragement we are teaching children to look inside themselves for their
motivation, for the answers to their questions, and for knowing their purpose and
direction.
Encouragement has it's own language. Here are some examples of phrases that express
encouragement:
"You seem to like that"
"Thanks, that helped me a lot"
"You really worked hard on that"
"How do you feel about it"
"I need your help on..."
"What do you think"
"You can do it"
"You're getting better at..."
"I like the way you..."
POINTS TO PONDER
>Ask open-ended questions. Questions that have no simple single answer. >Encourage
your child to think, explain, and explore. >Try to redirect a child's thinking
process when you hear statements like "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter to me".
>Encourage your children to have their own thoughts and opinions. Ask: "What
do you think?" >Recognize and encourage - "I like the way you..." >Accept
your child's feelings of failure and encourage more attempts. >Good results come
from experience; experience comes from bad results. >Help your child see the
alternatives in challenging situations. "I know algebra seems hard to master, let's
see if there is anything we could do to make it easier to understand." >Explore
ideas together giving your child the lead.
There are four main ways parents can encourage their children: (1) show confidence
- giving your child responsibility is a nonverbal way of showing confidence (2)
build on strengths - acknowledge what they do well (3) value the child - separate
worth from accomplishments and misbehavior, accept uniqueness (4) stimulate independence.
Writing encouragement letters to your family members are a continuous way to empower
each other and work through tough situations without hurting feelings. Keeping your
communication lines open, as a family will create bonding and closeness among family
members... one of the greatest gifts a parent could give a child.
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